Category Archives: Wives & Husbands

Pinterest Problems

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Okay, I’m going to try word this post as nicely and lovingly as possible. Like I warned in Let Your Voice Be Heard, I felt like God was going to have me speak up to a few things that I think are going to be leading to the detriment of our society. And here is one that has been stirring in my heart for a while.

When I first signed up for Pinterest, I don’t think I fully understood what is was for (who does when they initially sign up for a new social media site anyway). I loved the home decor, and especially the DIY (do it yourself) projects that were suddenly grouped together for me, and I didn’t have to spend hours searching through blogs. It seemed pretty great.

But I have a concern when it comes to two things.

1) Some of the images that are being pinned are really scandalous, revealing and a flat out inappropriate. 

2) I am seeing way too many boards from the married and unmarried alike of people they find attractive. I’ve seen many names for these boards, from “eye candy” to “crushes”. 

Will you bear with me for a moment to understand why I am concerned about these two things, and why I believe you should be too?

First of all, I believe that bikini’s, for example, are not a good thing to be wearing in public. This is for many reasons, but mostly because it causes the men around us to struggle. Now, if you’re alone on a secluded island with just your husband…do what you want. But please, can we all agree to leave our lingerie in the bedroom and work together to fight this issue of lust that is sweeping our world away?

Now, I can already hear people saying that if it’s a struggle for you, don’t follow my boards. And let me say I agree. If you pin an revealing picture, I will unfollow you immediately, because my husband or son could be sitting right next to me. 

Should we though, contribute to another person’s struggle? In Romans 14, Paul talks about how it is better for us to not eat meat or drink wine if it will cause another believer to stumble. He is so concerned for the stability of the other believer and that they not fall to their temptations, he says it’s better to not partake in the activity at all then to lead another believer astray.

Secondly, if you are purposefully drooling over bodies that you find attractive, you are lusting over them. I think sometimes as Christian women we can think that lust is just something that men deal with.

In the long list of fruits of the flesh, lust is right alongside sexual immorality and impurity. Philippians 4:8 says

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

The last thing that I think is probably the biggest issue, is the problem with comparison. No woman (or man) wants to be compared with an unrealistic, air brushed model. You can’t live up to it. If my husband had some open infatuation with another woman, whether he knows her personally or not, I would be hurt beyond what words can describe.

Lust can be as powerful as a drug, and so can insecurity. Relationships today need more security, trust and wholehearted faithfulness, not less. We should go above and beyond the call of duty to show our spouse that they have our undivided love and adoration. If you are not married yet, I encourage you to practice this principle, and not develop habits that will be hard to reverse later on.

I was struck by this verse in Song of Solomon 2:15 the other night as we were reading.

Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!

Hear me say this: More often than not it is the little things that ruin relationships. Catch the little foxes, the little habits, patterns and sinful actions because they destroy your love.

If you have regrets, don’t feel guilty or under the weight of any condemnation, just choose this day to be an example of holiness, purity and modesty to a confused generation.

 

A Quarrelsome Wife

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While talking with a friend, we were discussing the challenges of having renters, and she said that sometimes people are ungrateful for the work you put in and assume that you should just do it. As a not-so-handy-wife, sometimes I think I subconsciously view myself as a renter, expecting immaculate household updates from my husband.

There have definitely been times when I’ve been ungrateful for all the work my husband does around the house. Just as he finishes screwing something back together, I am complaining about the dishwasher not cleaning well. My list of things that aren’t working can seem endless, and most of those tasks fall on him since I haven’t learned how to deal with them.

There are some bible verses that speak deep comfort and assurance to my soul. Then there are some other that don’t speak exactly that to me. As much as comfort and assurance are nice things to feel, it is often in the more challenging words that we grow.

Did you know that Proverbs speaks of multiple situations that would be better than to live with a quarrelsome wife? Here is a list of them. I hope they make you laugh too.

Living in a beautiful house with a quarrelsome wife is better than…

  • Living alone in the corner of an attic (TWICE he uses this comparison)
  • Listening to a constant dripping
  • Living alone in a  desert
  • Listening to the constant drip of a rainy day.

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, a quarrelsome person repeatedly argues with someone.

Often the word quarrelsome is used alongside the words complaining, nagging or irritable.

One translation says “the nagging of a wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of a rainy day.”

Before any of you women get too offended by these verses, don’t worry. There are lots of verses that speak to men. I’m just not talking about those, since these are the ones that have impacted me.

The frustration that comes from a wife that is never satisfies seems to be of an extreme kind. For someone to say they would rather live alone in a desert than with a nagging, quarrelsome, complaining, irritable wife in a nice home, means that this really upsets them! There are not many things that bother me enough to choose that sort of lifestyle over a nice home.

Even as I’m writing this I am getting triggered by things that are driving me crazy involving our move, and for some reason I want to take it out by arguing and complaining. In fact, I have done that in the last thirty minutes! Before I was battling that today, this was on my heart to write about, so God is obviously trying to teach me something through this.

Philippians 2:14-15 and says (speaking to men and women alike)

Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.

What a challenge! I know I can’t do this on my own. I can’t be the opposite of quarrelsome without the Lord’s love and grace shining through me.

Father, would you help me in this today.

 

 

From Husband to Daddy

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I can’t imagine what kind of love I would have for my husband if we had not become parents. Watching Andrew become a dad has been the most amazing thing I could have ever imagined. From the moment he first laid eyes on Caleb, he has not been the same person. His heart of compassion, love and mercy has been widened immensely. His commitment to help, love and protect me has visibly increased. He has spent many hours rescuing me from my tears and exhaustion as I’ve become a mom.

Caleb has been in a stage where he only wants dad. If daddy walks in the room and I’m holding him, he’ll leap from my arms. If Caleb gets hurt, it’s daddy he wants! I have to admit, this has definitely hurt me at times. I feel like Caleb’s cuddles are so limited that I want to selfishly soak them up.

However, over the last few days I have just overwhelmed with how blessed I am to have a husband who is so passionate about being a dad and so committed to showing love and affection to his child.

Transition seems to be something we are in a lot, and I know that it has really caused us to grow together and push deeper in our relationship.

As a teen, I think I viewed babies as fun accessories. You see a mom with a fashionably dressed baby on her hip, or in her expensive stroller and it looks like a lot of fun. Neither mom nor baby looks very fabulous or fashionable going through the feed/change routine at 2 a.m. Having a supportive, loving and HELPFUL husband in those moments can weld together the deepest bonds.

I hear a lot of couples say they plan on waiting a few years before having children, and I realize the reasons behind that, but I can honestly say that having a baby so soon into our marriage was the greatest thing for us. It forced us to carve out time for one another, to face our issues head on and definitely made us grow up quickly. I’m thankful we didn’t get used to two incomes for long. Andrew has said over and over that he personally would not have been ready for pastoral ministry if we didn’t have Caleb.

I love this verse that talks about having children young.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

Psalm 127:3-4 (emphasis mine)

I looked up how many arrows a quiver can hold, and I could not find a definite number, but let me tell you its a lot of arrows! As the one birthing these little blessings, I’m not sure I want to have a “quiverfull”, but I certainly want to acknowledge the Lord’s purpose in giving children to a young couple, and the beauty and blessing that it holds.

I know some couples are unable to have any children, and my heart does grieve with them. That is another reason why I find it heartbreaking when I hear someone speak negatively about “accidentally” having a child right away.

Whether through having more children, and doing other life transitions together, I’m excited for the challenges that we get to work through together. I can’t fathom the love I will have in my heart for my husband years from now when all our children are grown and we have walked through so much together.

The Lord’s design for marriage is so good! It is such a picture of our relationship with Jesus. I have walked through so much with the Lord and we have made it through many life transitions, heart breaks and triumphs. His love and faithfulness has been proved to me over and over. I know I cannot ever turn my back on Jesus. My life is completely intertwined with his.

The Lord said the most incredible statement to us, through all of our disobedience, betrayal and shortcomings. It has become my softly spoken, tear filled declarative phrase to the Lord, to my husband and to my son.
“I will never leave you, I will never forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5).

 

May the Lord open your heart and allow every day life to cultivate deep love and appreciation for those around you!

 

 

Stress Free Wedding Planning Part Two

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While you are following the three D’s to stress free wedding planning, there is another piece to this fantastic engagement period, that often goes unnoted. Well, at least unnoted to the extent that I feel it should be. I’m talking about pre-marriage counseling or enrolling in a pre-marriage course.  

 I’m not talking about a chat with your pastor in his office, I mean a “dig down deep” pre-marriage course. One that challenges your motives for getting married, asks God to confirm your relationship and prepares you for some of the tough stuff you’re going to face.

The course that my husband and I took was a 10 week intensive that brought up a lot of great things for us to process before getting married. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed that we were having to be so serious during the fun stage of engagement. I am so thankful we took the time to invest.

A lot of couples I talk to have an extremely difficult first year adjusting. The couples we know who have committed to an extensive pre-marriage program have transitioned very well to married life.

50% of all marriages end in the divorce. No one wants to be a part of that heartbreaking statistic, nor do they assume they will be, as they walk down the aisle. I believe it is way more important to set your marriage up with a great foundation and have a little less time for your wedding, than to have a perfect wedding and start out on a rough note.

Our pre-marriage course taught us the importance of praying together daily, of being in agreement and the seriousness of covenant. These things have been invaluable to us.

Never underestimate the power of preparation. Don’t let the busyness of wedding planning cause you to neglect deepening your relationship during this fundamental stage.

A few other thoughts…

Enlist volunteers! You have more family and friends than you realize who want to help. Many of them just want to be given a job and let at it! If you are organized with jobs for everyone ahead of time, the set up stage will fly by!

While setting up for the wedding, DO as little as possible! Just be the coordinator walking around answering questions and organizing. If you don’t feel like that’s something you want to be in charge of, having someone really close to you who understands most of the details to be the one who does this. They can filter through all the questions and bring the important ones to you

Pray over the details of your wedding. Marriage is God’s idea, and he loves throwing a party for a wedding! Hey, Jesus even went to weddings!

Decide that anything that doesn’t get done by midnight before the wedding, just isn’t going to get done. Don’t worry about it. Don’t think about it. JUST ENJOY YOUR WEDDING DAY!

This is a wonderful time that only comes once so do as much as is in your power to let it be a positive memory of love, peace and joy! 

If you would like help finding a solid pre-marriage course in your area, feel free to email monica@myredandpurplelife.com

Happy Wedding Planning!

 

Three D’s To Stress-Free Wedding Planning

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On June 5, 2010 I married my best friend, and I can happily say that I walked down the aisle with very little stress! I’ve had many people ask me for advice regarding wedding planning, and I’ve decided to try to sum up what I believe are the things we did well, and maybe not so well to help you as your embark on this exciting journey towards marriage!

For many couples, planning a wedding can be the most stressful time of their relationship with hardly anytime to get to know each  other more. Instead of treasuring the short time of engagement, they combat unnecessary strife. Often the bride can let a monster jump out of her that they didn’t even know what inside of them, scaring her beloved groom and inciting the awful title of “BRIDEZILLA!”

But does that have to be?

Planning our wedding was one of the most exciting times for us and here are three D’s to why I think that was the case!

D #1 – DETERMINE!

When we got engaged, I knew that I could become an over controlling bride who wanted everything my own way. I made a choice
in my heart and determined that the utmost priority was growing closer with my fiance and preparing for marriage. If something about the wedding got in the way of that priority, then it was cut.

Sound harsh? Well just stay with me. You can still have your dream wedding. When you determine this in your heart, that leads you to the next D.

D #2 – DELEGATE!

Once you have determined that your relationship doesn’t need a ton of unnecessary stress, you will be at peace to release details of the wedding to other people.

Let’s be honest, you think you want to do everything on your own right now, but the week of the wedding you will be having a full-out panic, and probably a big fight with your groom-to-be if you take this project on alone.
Our family and friends were absolutely amazing with helping us put on our wedding. Once we sorted out the main details, we were able to pass on a lot of the pieces to people who loved us deeply and were excited about being a part of our wedding.
A great example was our decorations. I wanted our decorations to be absolutely perfect, and my husband has an aunt who is a gifted decorator. I hummed and hawed a little about whether to pass off the decorating plans to her or not. I wanted it perfect, but I also knew that for me the decorations would probably consume my life and create unnecessary stress that wouldn’t be helpful to this period. I followed through with my decision and passed it off to her. I shared my vision and colours, and she made everything perfectly amazing. The decorations are still on of the most favourite parts of my wedding!

D #3 – DECIDE (together)

I believe that bride often robs their fiance of the most wonderful experience for growing together as a couple when they lock out their groom from the wedding planning stage.

Some of you men reading this are probably shouting, no I don’t even wanted to deal with the wedding planning!

Well here is the truth: The bride NEEDS her man to help bring balance to the crazy amount of decisions that have to be made, and to call into perspective the stress that can get out of hand.

You both need to use this as a chance to learn how to make decisions together!

We determined to make the most out of our wedding planning stage and turned many things into date nights, whether it was shopping for ties, choosing our wedding cake and many other fun decision that we decided to make ourselves and not delegate. You can CHOOSE to make these decisions fun.

Looking back, we both say that doing our wedding together was the best decision we could have made!

Next time I will talk about making pre-marriage counseling a priority, and a couple other little tips that will make your day a success!

Remember: Your wedding will one day be just a memory, do everything you can to let it be one of peace, love and joy!

Happy Wedding Planning!

 

A little bit of honesty

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“Create in me a clean heart O God. Renew a loyal spirit in me.” Psalm 51:10

I have shared a bit lately about how the Lord has been working in my life in terms of praying for my husband and my son. There is a phrase that we repeat over and over in our Student Leadership class that has been hitting me this morning.

This past week…no, this past month has been one of the biggest tests I’ve walked through in a while. I haven’t written about this, but my sister and her son who were living with us suddenly left, extremely abruptly. It was a huge shock. Then a week later we had our fire. A week after that God revealed some marriage issues that we needed to walk through (that will be a post when it’s not so recent and I’ve fully processed the lessons we’ve learned), then I hurt my neck twenty-four hours later.

All of these things were weighing on me to some degree or another. During the Married for Life course that we have been taking we felt our prayer time as a couple grow exponentially. Instead of praying generally, we are more organized, and issues are actually being covered in prayer. Out of that, our personal prayer and devotional life has began to soar again.

Some of the struggles that have come up haven’t been as hard. Honestly, the fire was kind of exhilarating when it was all said and done. We had an incredible story of protection, the insurance money came through and covered everything and we didn’t lose much that was important. I was overflowing with thankfulness, but not tested in the same way as you are when your relationship are tested by fire.

A week ago today I cried all morning. I asked the Lord what more he wanted me to do. He said to me that phrase again.

He didn’t want me to strive in these tests any longer. He wanted me to BE close to him, and know his heart, and ask him to change me, instead of trying to change myself.

I prayed a scary prayer that morning. It was all to do with the Lord putting his finger on me, and working out the issues in my own heart. Then I cried out to the Lord in true desperation for my husband and for my son. I prayed with AUTHORITY. When I didn’t know where to start, I picked up my Power of a Praying Wife and Power of a Praying Parent books and shouted those prayers up to heaven. My tears turned from tears of sadness and discouragement to tears of joy and thankfulness. Something broke in our home that morning. The enemy lost any hold he had. I have chosen to build upon that every day since.

One day last week my husband came home and said to me that he didn’t know what was going on but he felt like he was walking in the greatest sense of victory and was just having an amazing week in the Lord.

I didn’t say anything, except that I was proud of how he seeking the Lord and actively loving us. I knew God showed me in that moment that my prayers (and Andrew’s prayers) were changing our lives quickly.

There are big things the Lord wants my family to do. We know that. We’ve known that since we got engaged. We were not put together to simply enjoy life, although we certainly do. My gifts are combined with my husband’s gifts in a way where power, anointing and authority are multiplied a hundredfold.

I know it hasn’t been long, but we are continuing to pray protection over our home, and we will springboard off what the Lord has been doing in us over the last month. And then as high as we get to in our life time, will just be the springboard for where our kids jump from.

As I have become closer with God this week, and laid my burdens at his feet, the “doing” has become much easier. The Lord gave me fresh feelings of love, so much deeper than I could have imagined for my husband. The times that the three of us have spent together, has been so much fun. I remained calm on Sunday, didn’t panic about what to wear or how tired Caleb would be for missing his morning nap at church and we went for breakfast before church. We got to really enjoy our family time, instead of making family time happen.

Letting God transform my heart is a lot easier than me trying to transform my heart. It’s a little bit scary, and not an easy journey. I’ve had an emotional week as the Lord continues to bring stuff up to me. But the healing he brings is much quicker, much deeper and much more whole than any other I’d find somewhere else.

I look forward to sharing more of this exciting journey with you and I believe I will continue to testify of the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness in working in our lives to see us live whole, passionate and purposeful lives serving our King here on earth.

At Home Dates

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As young parents, it is often difficult to leave the house without your baby for a date night. We are incredibly blessed to have so much family around us who love having time with our munchkin. I have talked to many of you however, that don’t have that. So here are five of my favourite at home date ideas, followed by two links to MANY more creative ones. These cost almost no money, depending on what you have on hand around your house. You’ll have to choose to be creative and not mind “pretending” to be somewhere that you aren’t.

I have found some of our best conversations have happened during one of our at home dates. I am sort of spoiled when it comes to dating my husband. We usually guard our Friday evening and Saturday evening for at home date time, then Sunday night is our  marriage class, so we usually get an out of the house date too.

  1. Do a “Pinterest Project” – You can find all kinds of projects on Pinterest for varying amounts of time. Over the Christmas holidays we spent many afternoons and evenings working on little projects. This one was lots of fun for us. We chose the paper and painted together. The only part we didn’t do together was use the saw to cut the wood. That was all me. Just kidding. It was my husband. You can read more about this project here.
  2. Coffee Shop Night – I am not the type of person who likes the idea of a date night involving me slaving away in the kitchen to create a fancy meal that we will then spend the rest of our at home date cleaning up. No thanks! I do LOVE going for coffee. Whether it’s a quick trip to Tim’s or a lingered over Caramel Macchiato, there is hardly an outing I like more than going for coffee. One of our local coffee shops has this well-known saying written in it: Sit long, Talk much. Laugh often. That is the basis of this at home date. Did you know that couples that laugh together have a much high success rate? You can read about laughter and marriage here. Create an atmosphere like you’re favourite coffee shop and experiment with a new latte or tea, then sit and visit. If you don’t have an espresso machine, check out this easy stove top Pumpkin Spice Latte recipe or my gourmet  Cinnamon Chocolate black tea recipe.
  3. Paper Airplane Contest – If you and your spouse are competitive, like my husband and I are, this is lots of fun. Be really extreme. I found this on one of the links I’m including below.
    Okay if Andrew and I had not got married, I would feel really awkward about this photo! This is from a pre-dating days (I was 19, he was 20) at Bible School where a bunch of us were having a paper airplane race. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. It seems like Andrew is taunting me, and I’m shamelessly flirting (which yes, did happen)! 
  4. Organize a zone – This definitely comes down to your personality on whether you’d enjoy this one. We love picking something random (like our ottoman) and reorganizing it. Weird? Maybe, if you view it as work. If you view it as exploring a cupboard or container you haven’t looked through in a while, you’ll find a few pieces of buried treasure!
  5. Childhood Glimpses - My husband and I, like most couples, come from quite different backgrounds. Any time we get the chance to talk about what our lives were like as kids, we love to. It’s wonderful to get to know someones favourite books, cartoons, cereal and relatives. It’s humbling and intimate to be brought into someones past hurts or painful memories. Either way, you grow closer. For us, these are two the little people that we want to get to know better: 

Here are some links to many more at home date ideas!

http://healthymarriage.org/homedates.htm

http://improvemymarriage.blogspot.com/2009/10/at-home-date-ideas.html

With Valentines Day falling on a Tuesday, I’m sure a lot of you won’t be able to do something on that day. I don’t think we’ve ever gone on a date on Valentine’s Day. Our first year together we were on a ministry trip with our Bible School, second we had pre-natal class and this year it lands on the day we teach our leadership class! Just use the special day coming as a chance to force yourself to make time to do something together this week, whether you feel like you have time for not!

Do you have any suggestions to add to my list? Share them here*!

Enjoy your weekend, and plan an at home date night!

 

 

 

 

*This website must remain appropriate for all readers, any unsuitable comments will be removed. Thank you!

Meet Trevor & Danielle!

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I have some very special people for you to meet today! You NEED to check out this blog! This couple has been married for almost three years now, and decided to start making a video blog of lessons they were learning from books they were reading or things God was bringing up in their marriage. After the video they issue a challenge or a question that you can respond to in a private feedback box.

 

 

Check out their promotional video

I admire their heart to be open together and strengthen their own marriage, and in turn share what they are learning with others! It is a very brave thing to do. I encourage you to check our their website www.myhusbandandi.com

Here is one of their episodes talking about the book Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti by Bill & Pam Ferrel (love this book)!

They just finished season one, and I definitely look forward to watching season two!

Sometimes we believe we have to be experts in an area before we can impact others, but that is simply not true. Being a leader and being an example helps to keep you on track.

Proverbs 11:25 says

The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.

If you choose to be humble, open, and honest to use the situations you are in to bring hope and healing to the world, you will impact others, and you yourself will be strengthened as you allow yourself to be held to a higher standard.

Is there an area of your own life that you think the Lord is asking you to open up so that you can be encouragement to others?

Have fun exploring www.myhusbandandi.com

Thanks to Danielle and Trevor for putting time and energy into their wonderful ministry!

A Grilled Cheese Dilemma

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It was a few Saturdays into our marriage. We were both back to working full-time and enjoying our new lives together. On this particular Saturday we decided to work together on our lunch before going out to get some errands done. One of the best things of those days (although not long ago, our lives are much different now) was that our work schedules were almost identical, so our free time was always together. Whether cooking, cleaning, or grocery shopping, it all happened together.

Deciding upon grilled cheese sandwiches, we set to work buttering bread, slicing cheese and arranging them into sandwiches. It doesn’t take a culinary genius to make grilled cheese, so this really should have been uneventful.

The frying pan was preheated and Andrew went to place the first sandwich in it. I swooped in with a lid to cover it up. He looked at me really confused, “what are you doing?”

“Oh,” I replied, “you always cover your grilled cheese with a lid so the cheese melts faster!”

“Well I’ve never done that before and my cheese always melted perfectly fine. If anything you’ll just make the bread soggy.”

I started to get offended. I was the wife. If anything he was just my assistant in the kitchen. We weren’t actually working together, I was in charge!

“No honey, you don’t know what you’re talking about. The lid goes on the grilled cheese.” I stated this firmly as I watch confusion pass through Andrew’s eyes, wondering how on earth we had got to where we were. Desiring to rescue the afternoon he complied with me, but we were both frustrated.

Sitting down to eat in silence (you can read more about my journey to overcoming going silent here), the tension was pretty thick. After lunch I went into our bedroom and shut the door. I cried and cried. Was I really that stubborn that I was going to  let something as trivial as a lid over my sandwich wreck our Saturday together?

Andrew must have been thinking the same thing out in the living room, but was a little quicker to act. He came in and his humility melted my pride. He said that if it meant that much to me that he would make them my way and that he loved me more than how he made his grilled cheese. I felt so childish and embarrassed.

“No, no I’ll make them your way, I was being ridiculous” I whispered through tears.

In the end we just agreed to each make them our own ways, whoever was making them would be in charge of how they were done. You know what’s funny? We both ended up switching how we make them because we know that’s how the other person prefers it.

Proverbs 20:3 says

Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.

This isn’t just with your husband or wife, it’s with anyone. It’s a journey I’m on right now. Some issues just aren’t worth hurting your relationships. Laying your pride aside to avoid a fight in honourable in the eyes of the Lord.

Today I saw my sister making a grilled cheese and noticed her putting the lid on it. I smiled about how every family does things differently as I remembered that little incident. Now every time I see a grilled cheese sandwich, I remember that peace and unity is more important than being right. It stands as my reminder to put my husband before myself.

I guess we won’t know whose way is better until our kids are old enough to eat grilled cheese ;)

Just kidding, Andrew! I love you more than my way of doing anything!

A Window Into Our Lives: The First Year of Marriage

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It seems like now a days even making it to your first anniversary is an accomplishment. With so many spouses quickly diving off the boat when the wind and waves begin to pound, our society is starting to view divorce as equivalent to “breaking up” with a boyfriend or girlfriend, and completely undermining the vow of “til death do us part”, allowing the devil to ravage homes and break children’s hearts.

Even in the area of vows, things are changing. I have heard of vows that said they will remain with their spouse “for as long as we love each other”.  And what’s the number one excuse for divorce? “I just don’t love him anymore”.

So as Andrew and I hit our first anniversary on June 5, 2011 we looked back on our first year of marriage in awe. God had been so good in preparing us for our first year together. The number one thing I believe that enabled us to have a successful and truly wonderful first year of marriage (when to so many say they had an extremely hard time) is solid pre-marriage counselling.

Proverbs 24:6 says:
Surely you need guidance to wage war, and victory is won through many advisers.

In all the romance and excitement of marriage, we often don’t realize the warzone that we have entered. Marriage itself is God’s design, and the enemy (who the bible describes as being “a roaring lion, seeking who he may DEVOUR“) desires to destroy it. He knows just how strong two people who love the Lord and love each other are in the hands of God, and he does not like that.

In our first year we went through a few major life changes. We both started new positions at work when we returned home from our honeymoon. We found out we were expecting our first child 3 and a half months in, purchased our first home at Christmas and moved while I was very pregnant. To top it all off, we had our beautiful little boy two weeks before our first anniversary (without question, the best blessing on that year). It was a fast paced, exciting year, to say the least!

We are of course not experts on marriage, but once you get through one season, you automatically can give it to God for Him to use it to help others. Honestly, the Lord amazes me how He will always take our ashes and turn them into something beautiful.

So here are my top three lessons that we learned in pre-marriage that I believe took us through with great strength, and are now helping us through a much more challenging year as new parents, learning to rely on the Lord in faith.

1. Come into agreement – This has been a tremendously helpful concept to us. Every important decision we need to make starts with Andrew and I praying together and asking the Lord for direction. We do not move forward on something until we have both heard from God or at least have peace about what the other feels. This has most recently been tested in moving, where it was a lot harder to lay my agenda down. (For more on this check out my blog post “Moving Again”). During our first year of marriage where we were initially learning to make decisions together, it made it a lot less stressful. It’s hard to be upset with someone when you’ve both heard the same thing from God! One example I can think of was deciding on Caleb’s name. We both had different ideas, and it’s not that we didn’t like each others suggestions, but it made choosing whose name to go with a lot easier when the Lord himself told us what our baby should be named. This will also be so much more significant to Caleb when he hears the prophetic word over his life that his name speaks, as Caleb means “wholehearted and faithful”.

2. Have realistic expectations - I believe girls especially have this outrageous expectation that everything is suddenly going to be perfect. Every emotional void in your life is suddenly going to be filled, and your home will be overflowing with eternal love, happiness and peace. Ha! I know for Andrew (and I have his permission to share this) that he was astonished at how deeply emotional of a person I am, and it was definitely an adjustment for him handling my tears, stress, frustration that would then suddenly turn to joy (ok I’m not as manic as I sound here!). Thankfully, our pre-marriage class pulled us back down to earth in the area of expectations. We came into marriage remembering that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Our purpose in getting married should not be to selfishly try to have our own needs fulfilled, but to endeavor to serve the other person and love them with our whole heart.

3. Allow God to work on the stuff in your own life, and He’ll work on your spouse – So often we rush to judge the other person or be mad at them for what they are doing. We both have tried to apply this question (and of course we all make mistakes, and I definitely don’t remember to do this all the time), “Why is what he/she doing bothering me so much”? I’ve found in myself quite often it’s been because of a deeper issue in my own life. In our first year of marriage, handling conflict was a little tougher than than it is now (it’s amazing how quickly God can turn a situation around!). Because of trigger points in my heart from things in my past, I would get extremely upset and want to just cry if Andrew seemed at all aggravated with me . This would result in me not talking at all, until I had time to process what had happened and start to feel terrible about the distance between us. When I was finally able to communicate this to Andrew (through many tears) I found freedom in just saying it and started shutting down less. In turn, Andrew changed how he brought stuff up with me knowing how it easily hurt me. When deep hurt is brought to light, love and healing can shine down. When it stays buried in the dark, the enemy uses it to mess with your mind and get in between you and the one the Lord has called you to love forever.

I have MANY more great little lessons from our first year, but I think I’ll save some for another post, so I don’t bore you too much here, as I so do appreciate you listening to what I have to say!

One other little thing I will leave you with is this: There is great freedom in laughing at negative situations that have been resolved. Some issues that we thought were just our own were once brought up talking with another newly married couple. Specifically the husband mentioned how frustrating it was that his wife always wanted to bring up an issue when they were falling asleep. Well once that was out, we were all laughing and sharing stories of when that had happened. It suddenly wasn’t a big deal. It was kind of funny! The guys realized that it’s maybe just girls, and us girls realized how inconvenient it really is in that moment. The negative power was stripped away when we were able to laugh.

Proverbs 17:22 says
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength” 

I encourage you if you are engaged or soon to be engaged to seek out strong, Godly mentoring and pre-marriage counselling that pushes you beyond the surface or your relationship and forces you to examine your heart and your motives. Having a solid foundation makes all the difference in the world, and brings about a much smoother transition.

Whether you’ve been married for a week or 75 years, may you celebrate every milestone, each trying time you’ve made it through, each joyful situation you have delighted in together. May no weapon formed against your marriage prosper and may the Lord fill your hearts and homes with His peace, love and joy.

A Conversation in the Dentist’s Chair

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I seem to not be able to do anything or go anywhere without learning a lesson! Today at the dentist I had an interesting situation come up.

My sweet dental hygienist and I were discussing my teeth sensitivity and she asked if I grind my teeth in the night. I told her,
“I don’t think I do, it’s never woken me up.”
“Well don’t you sleep in the same bed as your husband?!” she asked, slightly bewildered, “would he not be able to tell you”.
“HA!”, I said “my husband sleeps right through our baby crying in the night, let alone waking up from my grinding my teeth!”.

A look of astonishment passed over her. Without thinking I had just put down my husband. I didn’t mean to, but I could read it in her eyes, she was not impressed that he didn’t get up in the night with Caleb. Instantly I went to correct what I had said and reinforce that Andrew is a great husband and father. Before I could, in zooms the little tooth scrubber and she goes on to say how I must be stronger than her because she wouldn’t put up with being a “single parent”.

WHAT!!! How did that happen? There was no way to take it back. Anything I said afterwards she kind of laughed at, assuming I was trying to rescue my husband’s reputation with her. I felt so awful. I believe Andrew is an absolutely amazing husband, yes he might be able to sleep through Caleb crying at times, but he also gets up and goes to work hard all day and then comes home, helps with Caleb at our boy’s most grumpy time of the day, and then makes time for me. I at least can find times to rest if I need to, he can’t.

One slip of the tongue, one careless sarcastic comment, and I had tarnished his reputation, and stripped honour from a man worthy of praise.

James 3:5-9 says
The tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.

I believe I will watch my careless comments a little closer after that two-minute incident. I would never want anyone for a moment, again,  to doubt the love and respect that I have for my husband.